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UP TO THE HILTZ... An Anglican horror story beyond belief
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Fifteenth century vampire, Hermann, Graf von Ortenburg, whose sarcophagus was transported to Nova Scotia in 1750 by his great grandson, Heinrich Hiltz is accidentally opened by workers in Lunenburg dismantling one of many vacant Anglican Churches; this one being readied for transportation to a United States Theme Park.

The Vampire Count, played by academy award winner Red Iron Berto, discovers that his present day descendant Anglican Primate Fred Hiltz has betrayed his pure Lutheran roots and is destroying both churches by a devilish pact with Lutheran leader Susan Johnson played by Hollywood blond bombshell Fadaise Yardmen.

The action is fast and furious; with cameo appearances by Oilman Welby, the schismatic Michael Ingham and his sidekick Peter Elliott as themselves, plus a ghoulish exorcism by the Apostolic Nuncio to Canada Achbishop Buzzi O'Ligain held in the foul crypt of a dark, apostate Canadian-Gothic Cathedral.

In the ghastly climax we see Hiltz, grinning smugly, as he, buries his silver crosier to the hilt into Count Ortenberg's evil heart, thus pinning down the living-dead Lutheran in a shallow grave, hastily dug by moonlighting Ottawa city workers at the crossroads of Queen St., and Bay St., just a short body drag from the nether regions of Christ's Church Cathedral.

But, unbeknownst to Hiltz, the ethereal, desanguinated figure of Bishop Susan Johnson bares her new found fangs and watches events from the shadows of the Capital car park. Ultimately, her Lutheran dalliance with the Bavarian Vampire Count will mean the end of the road for Hiltz and the Anglicans.

Here is where the fiction stops and the comment begins.

It appears that this New Year there has been either rampant plagiarism or some degree of flapdoodle coordination among Christian religious leaders.

Papa Franco, Oilman Welby, Fred Hiltz and Susan Johnson all seem to be singing from the same sheet music this year. My initial observation is that it evolved something like this: "We all need to get together and feed the poor", which in church-speak translates to it's a great idea and makes us look good; however, somebody else needs to actually do it and foot the bill. "Who? Doesn't matter: government, Joe Q. Public, anybody, just don't ask us for money."

Hiltz and Johnson throw in homelessness, affordable housing, and responsible resource extraction, but again do not want to contribute that which they worship: Mammon, beyond very small token quantities.

Of course, they all talk ad infinitum about unity and peace, whatever that actually means to them.

Hiltz chatters aimlessly about unity, when in truth he has supported the complete opposite and allowed the Anglican schism to bloom irreversibly on his watch. The primate has presided over a blitzkrieg of unchristian aggression against the biblically based Anglican Network in Canada [ANiC] and while his opposing bishops are largely silent on the issue, Hiltz has provided fertile ground for the rabid right and its propaganda machine, led by wing nuts like David Jenkins of Anglican Samizdat, to make capital of the situation. One side denies being biased towards homosexuality and the other denies being homophobic.

Peace? Through all the councils; committees; charities; NGO's and government lobbying; in fact anywhere where a bunch of blowhards can get together and pontificate at length about peace in our time, [shades of Neville Chamberpot]. World peace is on the agenda, yet not one of these pampered, well fed, first-worlds, so-called churchmen has ever experienced a moment's inconvenience due to conflict or war, and they never will. They are all total hypocrites; cowards and profligates who care only for that which they have inherited, not through hard work or Christian principles, but from privilege, cronyism, and a sense of entitlement! Once again, they expect someone else to go to Syria, Iran, Russia or a dozen other hotspots and die for their christian [small-c] beliefs.

Over the top boys, I’m right behind you. Then, "Whoops, I dropped my bottle of Holy Water... Don't worry I'll catch up!' See you in Stockholm for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Contemporary megachurch policy consists of waxing poetic about the entire scope of Social Justice issues; Unity; Peace; World Resources and especially Equality for GLBT people, with perhaps a small mention about third world poverty: take a really close look at the Primate's World Relief & Development Fund [PWRDF] website have a look at the accounts for 2013 and see if you can make sense of them. Précised, and rounded out, the organization received: $7.2M in revenue [including $2.2M from the Canadian International Development Agency [CIDA] which came from our tax dollars. It spent $1.4M on wages; $700K on general expenses; fundraising $164K and here’s the big one $5.1M on PROGRAMS. $1.1M was handed over to Anglican Dioceses outside Canada; therefore one would need to examine their accounts to determine what happened to that money. The PWRDF has increased their non charitable property assets since 2011: now a significant $4M. What is hard to determine is what is embedded in Programs and we need those accounts too. The two biggest are 'Africa and the Middle East', and 'Development and Relief' [total $4.6M, or about five bucks from each Canadian Anglican]; however, a sinister contribution of $125K to the anti-Israeli KAIROS shows us that Fred's anti-Israeli sentiments are alive and well and that he cares not a fig about Canadian government policy. [CIDA withdrew support from KAIROS over their anti-Israeli position.] If I was to guess, I’d say that less than 50 cents on the dollar gets to be spent on actual 'relief' or 'development' and of that, after in-country corruption and shrinkage takes its bite, probably only a few cents ends up in the belly of a starving African Child.

The second megachurch priority is, depending upon the depth and flavour of their sins, covering up incidents of pedophilia; genocide; psychological, physical and sexual abuse of children among First Nations People, while an 'indigenous bishop' gets fat on an Anglican salary and benefits. Examine Archbishop Tutu in South Africa, who has educated his kids in the USA, owns property there, and has lived very high on the hog for many years. Examine the extravagant lifestyles of the Canadian megachurch bishops and ask yourself exactly what they have done to earn such luxury.

Next time they demand money in the form of tithe, ask them how they will spend it. You are tithing to God; not the Anglicans or the Catholics or the Lutherans etcetera. None of these churches are God, or even represent God anymore, so why give them money?

I wish you all a peaceful and blessed 2014.

In Christ,


January 2014. The writer acknowledges sources on the world wide web including the PWRDF and appreciates your sense of humour.

Author: Rev. Malachy Egan
Article Date: January 2014

"Love God with all your heart,
and love your neighbour as yourself."